You remember the days when you didn't have a care in the world.
Well you thought you didn't. But you did. Because you didn't feel whole. You were missing something. You just didn't know what.
You remember the days when you were walked to kindergarten with your Mummy and Daddy. One on either side of you. Both had their large, warm hands clasped around your smaller ones. And you loved it. You were so happy you curled your fingers up tightly and vowed to never let go. You felt you belonged. You used to sing songs and skip most of the way. Mummy and Daddy humming with you and smiling down at the bundle of hyperactive joy.
The first time the other kids saw you, they gave you weird looks. But you shrugged them off. You continued to come to kindergarten holding your parents hands and soon enough the other kids picked on you, told you it was silly but you continued ignored them. You told them that just because their parents didn't love them didn't mean you had to stop. You didn't know it was wrong until Suzy ran away crying to the adult who watched over you and who dictated when you had fun and when you napped. She came over to you and said that was the wrong thing to say and if you did it again Mummy and Daddy would know what a bad boy you have been and that they would get mad and you would get into trouble.
You didn't believe her. Mummy and Daddy never got mad at you and you simply poked your tongue out at her behind her back and sat in the naughty corner staring at the wall.
Maybe she was the reason you changed.
Maybe she wasn't.
You didn't and still don't care.
You remember a week later, someone laughed at you, and you didn't think anything of it. But then they poked you, the treated you like you were a piece of shit. That you meant nothing. They kept telling you that holding Mummy and Daddy's hands was stupid and that you were stupid. And you believed them.
You didn't fight back until you got sick of it. Suzy was laughing at you as one of the larger kids, George began to pinch you. You fought back then. You spun around and you pushed him back into the sandbox. He landed on his arse and cried out. The adult, who was the same lady as the last time who had talked to you when Suzy went crying to her, came out to see what was going on. And when she saw all the kids surrounded around you and George she 'knew' you were being trouble.
She told you off and said that naughty kids get nowhere in life. Again you didn't believe her...but maybe she had been right. She told your parents that night when they picked you up.
You didn't hold their hands on the way home.
They sent you to your room and took away your toys. They told you that there were other ways of dealing with things. Pushing people over was bad and you were a bad boy. You sat on your bed, your knees tucked up under your chin staring at the wall wondering why you were such a bad boy when the others were being mean. You hadn't done anything they hadn't started. But you decided maybe you deserved it...you were a bad boy after all.
You remember growing distant from Mum and Dad. It was no longer Mummy and Daddy. And you never held their hands. You gave them hugs against your will and you tried your best to be a big boy. You were 7 now and you loved to ride your bike. You got one for Christmas from Santa and your Dad offered to teach you to ride. You said no and taught yourself instead. You didn't realise how hurt he was but you were too busy caught up in the big boy act.
You still remember the feeling of the getting onto your seat and trying to balance before pushing off only to fall down on the ground. The bike pinning you down. You remember the sting and smart of the gravel digging into your skin, the tears burning in your eyes that you fought back because you were a big kid now.
You remember going inside that first night after riding. You had just kind of gotten the hang of it. Plus you had lost most of the skin on your knees and elbows, your hands and shins. You told Mum that you didn't need her to take care of them and went to the bathroom. You didn't realise how dejected your mother was, being told that she couldn't do what a mother was supposed to do. You rubbed them with tissues which made the rocks fall out, leaving trails of blood in their wake and put bandaids on them. You washed your face and went to you room.
Each day you went on that bike. It only took you a few days to get the hang of it and once you did your parents didn't see much of you. You were too busy riding around and enjoying life...The wind on your face and the feeling of your legs being jelly after riding too much. People didn't talk to you because you were different. You stayed alone all the time. When you came home it was dinner, clean up and then bed.
You remember that day when you really snapped. It was the turning point really.
You were 12.
And there was this boy called Matt.
He was an ass, he bullied anyone he could and liked to think that he ran the school. This was your last year of primary school and well, you were the big kids there now. He was huge. Well you thought he was when really you were about the same just he was a bit more filled out. He poked fun at you. Because you were different. Because you were quiet and the fact that all the girls stayed far away from you. Well as far away as humanly possibly at this point in your life.
He called you a faggot...
You didn't listen. Well that was what you tried to tell yourself to do. But you did. And it hurt. You rode your bike more and more and didn't try to change anything. You didn't fight back...too scared to...
That was until he yelled at you the reason you had problems was because your parents didn't love you.
You knew he was lying but it made your blood boil and you put her fist through a window. The glass cutting into your hand and the feeling was like pins and needles, only the extreme type and quite painful really when you thought about it.
The adrenaline masked that feeling though.
Blood slowly oozed its way out of the cuts in your hands where there wasn't still a piece of glass embedded. You watched the blood for a moment, slowly sliding down her your hand. A single drop falling to the ground, the colour of crimson, the colour of the paint in the art room from the bottle. Untouched by imperfections.
Only thing was, you already where touched by imperfections.
You glared at Matt. He looked slightly frightened, the way your crystal blue eyes froze over like ice. The looking piercing him like the glass did to your hand.
And then you ran.
Before anyone could come over and see the problem you had created, you ran. It wasn't hard to get out of the school and you did. You ran as fast as he you could home. Your feet pounding on the concrete of the path beneath you, the souls of your shoes slapped a second before you foot came down on them, creating an offbeat tempo that your heart seemed to follow. The pounding was so loud it rung in your ears and it blinded your eyes with furious tears. Tears you kept trying to hold back.
You're hand throbbed.
It didn't matter.
You got home soon enough, panting hard and ripping out the glass from you hand hysterically. You just wanted your bike. So you could get far away. Your parents saw you but before they could get out and stop you, you were already gone. You had no food or water, nothing to fix your hand but you didn't care. You rode as fast and as far as you could. Eventually you stopped at a river and sat down, staring out at the water as it flowed by.
You didn't know what changed you. But you missed the old you. You missed your Mummy and Daddy. The kid who danced to tunes you made up on the spot whilst holding onto the hands of the people who loved you so very much.
You missed not having a care in the world.
You got in trouble for the window and your parents had to fork out the money for the repairs. They grounded you too. Sent you to your room to think about what you had done. But you already did. You did it because you are a bad boy. That's what bad boys do. They closed the door and kept a close eye on you so you didn't get out via the door.
Didn't stop you from trying the window.
You got out and you rode to the river as fast as you could to your spot. You stayed there all day, looking around for things and eventually going back to your bike. You climbed trees and got wet. It was fun. But not that fun. You were all alone and consumed with guilt. You wanted to tell your parents you were sorry. But you couldn't get the words out even if you tried. Sorry wasn't a part of your vocabulary. That night you lay on the rough ground near a tree where you would be shelted to some degree. You fell asleep to the soundtrack of worry buzzing in your ears and around your head. You were under the stars at least. The posed as some distraction but you couldn't help but wonder why things had gotten so bad.
You knew why.
You were a bad boy.
You went to high school next. You were still an outsider and you hated the work. Eventually you fell in with the wrong crowd. They hung out with you at lunch behind the bleachers with cigarettes. You took a drag of one they passed around and the feeling of your lungs unable to take in the oxygen you needed because it was taken up by the smoke made your head spin and you knew you wanted....no need more. They gave you some to take home. You hid them well.
They also gave you drugs. Ones that made you so happy and blinded by that joy that once it wore of you couldn't remember anything that had just happened. It made you forget everything you didn't want to...but you didn't question it.
You could remember laying on the bank of the river alone like always, staring at the stars. You were as high as the sky and as drunk as a fuck. You giggled as the river gurgled and you sighed happily at the rustling of the leaves. You loved it. You loved this moment of complete bliss because the ache in your heart wasn't there and the pain in your stomach didn't exist anymore. Until it wore off.
You were only 13.
And you kept the bad habits though. You got into alcohol one time.
It was new years eve and everyone was crowding downtown for the fireworks display. Everyone had alcohol in this area and no one even noticed you anyway. You hid in the shadows and really remained unseen. Someone had a beer. He was laughing and being obnoxiously loud and you wondered if it was the funny smelling drink that was causing this to happen.
Another outlet for you to take advantage of....
He put it down for a moment and you knew this was your time. You grabbed it and snuck off with it. It was still pretty much full and you didn't care if someone's mouth had already been on it, you just wanted to taste the liquid. Maybe drink it all.
You took your first mouthful and it burn the back of your throat.
You loved it.
You finished that bottle and by the end of it you wanted more. You got another the same way from someone else and then went back to the river. You sat by it and finished off the second drink. By the end you felt buzzed and you knew you would be drinking more. You just had to find a way too. You went home that night and went straight to bed. You didn't talk to your parents but they didn't care. They had you home for the New Year and that was all that mattered.
After that night you had to find alcohol.
You stole alcohol from the liquor store and you were never caught, the wrong crowd still kept in touch with you and you paid them for their trouble with money you pinched from your Mothers purse. She wouldn't notice. If she did, she didn't say anything.
You remember staying at the river on weekends and planning a way to get away...for a week...two...maybe more. You drank stolen alcohol and smoked far too many joints you never came down from the high. And you didn't care.
You did go to school though.
You skipped classes.
You grades suffered.
You remember being in maths class, wishing nothing more than to leave and smoke a joint. You were sitting next to someone you didn't know. Well you did. His name was Brian and he had gorgeous brown eyes that were like chocolate you could get a cavity from looking into them for far too long. He also had wonderful hair. Hair you wanted to run your fingers through. Hair that defied gravity. He smelt like chocolate too.
You wouldn't mind smelling him all the time.
There were a lot of things you would do to a lot of the boys in that class.
There was Zacky with the green eyes like emeralds that made you wish you had some way of looking into them forever. And he had plump lips. Plump lips adorned by two rings that you could imaging biting and tugging on. A round face that you could image holding in your large hands...stroking the milk white skin tenderly.
There was Johnny with the slim body. He was vertically challenged....a gnome you liked to think of him. He had multicoloured that that you wanted to smell and taste. Was it like vanilla and chocolate? Maybe hazelnut flavoured. If hair could be flavoured you would like to smell his. Taste his.
And there was Matt.
The most gorgeous man you had ever laid eyes on. He was tallish and had curly hair. It was short though and you wanted to run your fingers through or just over them, feeling if they were as soft as they looked. He had eyes you dreamt of and large hands that you could image on your body. Exploring in places that only he would ever get to see....if he was like that. He did however seem familiar but you couldn't put your finger on it.
You passed it off as someone you saw at a party.
You went to many parties. You were never invited. You just turned up on their door step and they didn't push you away. The more the merrier they would say. And you had the alcohol and drugs. How could they say no really? No one minded though. Just drank the drinks you brought and tried anything they could that you had. By the end of the night everyone was on top of each other...literally. Sweaty bodies all grinding on the dance floor. The smell of cigarettes floated around and the smell of sweat and sex was there too.
The parties were the best. Another distraction.
Another way to ignore the pain.
You remember P.E classes. The ones you skipped because you were never good at anything they did. The only thing you were good at was riding and they never did that in class. So instead you stood on the oval or sat, or rolled around or did anything really so long as you had a joint at hand. You just enjoyed the ride. You remember Matt and his mates, Zacky, Brian and Johnny joining you. They were in this class too and hated it with the same passion you did. Zacky liked baseball but they didn't play that either so he didn't join in. Instead they sat beside you, or formed a circle.
And you remember passing the joint around...
They adopted you then. You hung with them and you laughed with them. You fucked up and you teased each other. You rode your bikes around town and you shoplifted candy and alcohol together. You were a pack. People didn't fuck with you and you didn't really care.
You remember sleeping on the streets. That's if you were too pissed to get to the river where you were safe. You were too ashamed to go home and when you did Joe and Barb did nothing. Well...they did everything. They wanted to understand...they tried to. They begged of answers, they made you food and did everything they could to get you to stay there. But you would ignore them and pretend they were not there because you didn't deserve such loving people.
It dawned on you...you were a bad boy and you were naughty.
You would get nowhere in life.
And in a way it was true. You lived off whoever you could and you stole for a living. You drank far too much and you were always high. You never did well in school and did nothing to make it any better. Instead you skipped exams. You did everything you knew you shouldn't do without as much as a blink of an eye.
You remember ending up at Brian's house one night. It was a warm day. A Saturday. You had played baseball in the park because you had nothing better to do. Like idiots. No one knew what was going on really as everyone had been smoking one of your joints earlier and drinking far too much Jack for their young age. But no one cared. Or showed that they cared so you didn't either.
You were 16.
You remember being in Brian's room. You had a pizza box on the floor and some beers. You were sitting on his bed your long legs dangling over the edge. Everyone was piled in the room, on the floor. You were all spread out with you drinks and hell you were all so out of it that everyone fell asleep.
Everyone but you. You barely slept anyway.
He was sitting on the bed beside you and since you had nothing to really look at but Johnny's back which was right in your line of sight, you looked to Brian instead and his chocolate brown eyes locked onto yours. You were both staring, neither moving to break the gaze but instead Brian was moved closer to you. You took in a shuddered breath and then you felt thin lips on yours and you didn't fight back. You kissed back. Because why the hell not. You knew you were gay. But you had no idea Brian really was. If anything he was Bi...but even then...
He tasted of alcohol and everything wonderful. Chocolate and smoke and you loved it. But not as much as you loved Matt. Never as much as you loved Matt.
You see, he was the guy you watched every day. Every tiny move made your heart skip a beat and even though you were making out with his best friend, hell maybe he was your best friend too, to you it wasn't Brian...it was Matt. Brian's hands were on your chest and you arched your back, just enjoying this moment.
His hands were still on your chest and your lips were feverishly moving against each other like your life depended on it. And right then it did.
But it was all brought to a halt when Johnny sat up straight and mumbled something about the pizza before falling back down and into his sleep again. With this you climbed off the bed and ran your hands through your hair. You said something about being sorry and you left without a glance back.
Brian watched you go and didn't try to stop you. Your heart sinking lower than it had ever been before. And Matt watched the figure of the boy who had just made out with his best friend.
When he really wanted it to be himself.
You ended up at the river that night, staring at the dark cloudy sky, wishing to see stars. Instead it rained. You were soaked to the bone but it didn't matter. You deserved to feel cold...to feel upset and hurt.
Because you were a bad boy.
You left the next morning for Zacky's place. You didn't want to go home and see the panicked look on your parents faces and you knew he wouldn't mind giving you a shower. Brian was there though. And you looked at your feet. Unable to make eye contact with him. His smouldering eyes would kill you.
You got so intrigued by your shoes that you noticed that looked nothing like shoes more like bites of material haphazardly put together to cover your feet. After a hot shower you got some clothes from Zacky, who had taken them from his dad and said don't worry about them and you thanked him for it.
You remember being in Zacky's room. All three of you on his bed. You were staring at the wall as Zacky and Brian looked at each other. You could feel some tension and you knew you shouldn't even be there. You bit your lip and said you should go. They said no in unison and that only made your head and heart hurt. They told you to stay but you said don't worry about it and got up. Brian followed you to the door and bit his lip. He looked up at you and apologised and you shook your head. Told him not to worry. You turned to go but he grabbed your hand and you looked up at him. His eyes begging you. Please don't tell him what happened he begged and you said okay because you didn't want to be there any longer.
They were words you never wanted to hear again. It meant that you were nothing...not telling someone about something that happened was a way of trying to forget it even did. You walked back to the river, your only sanctuary.
It hurt. Sure you didn't want Brian...but for once...that kiss...you felt like you were wanted. You knew from that moment in the bedroom that Brian and Zacky were an item anyway...You had no idea why the kiss happened but you knew no one would ever know. Only you and Brian...
Well so you thought.
You remember the day that Johnny came up to you on the oval during lunch time. Everyone else was getting food. You were 17 and it was the beginning of autumn but it still felt like summer and Johnny was telling you about this crush he had. You raised a brow and Johnny told you.
He said he liked Matt.
Your world crumbled and it seemed like there was no point living anymore. Why when the one person you loved was the god of someone else's as well. Someone who would be better for Matt then you would ever be. You were trouble that no one needed. Johnny was like an angel. And it killed you. But you put on a smile and told Johnny to go for it. Like the good friend you were.
And because bad boys don't get anywhere in life.
And they don't deserve to be happy.
You saw the way Johnny's face lit up and you smiled at him but you knew deep down you were dying. You knew you had missed your chance and you would never get Matt. After lunch you went to the river. You wanted something to forget. Anything to forget the fact that Johnny was going to Matt's house that night....what if Johnny and Matt were together?
And so once you had gotten to your tree where everything was hidden, you washed those thoughts away with some stolen Jack and another joint. But even they did nothing for you now and you knew you needed better stuff. You knew that to live you needed the strongest stuff you could find.
You remember going to school and seeing your 'drug dealers.' You asked for something better and they gave you something so strong that you would be seeing rainbows and unicorns. It excited you and you knew you would be trying some that night. Or lunch time it would seem. Because the moment you saw Johnny and Matt hand in hand you knew they were an item.
You remember the feeling of your heart breaking into a thousand tiny pieces. Never to be fixed again. And you knew you were going to end up alone foREVer. You didn't deserve someone. It was your own fault anyway.
Because you were a bad boy.
You had thrown something away. Little did you know this was Matt's way of getting back at you. Both of you were using the people you loved as mere pawns in the massive game of chess and you had met your match. But the games wasn't over under the check mate was signalled.
Or until you put up the white flag.
You skipped the rest of the day and instead ended up at the river, trying the drugs you had with some more of that Jack you had left over. You knew you would be stealing some more alcohol. You were running low.
You wanted to forget who you were so bad that when you came to you didn't want to even remember who you were.
You could start fresh.
You did take more then you should have and you drank so much that you felt dizzy. You ended up asleep for two whole days. If you woke you just fell back asleep anyway.
You didn't know you would be missed so much until you went back to school and the first person to find you was Brian. He wanted to make sure you were okay. Matt was last to find you.
He wasn't even looking.
You found him by accident. He was leaning against a wall and you joined him, gave him a joint and you shared it in the shade of the building which was saving them from the abnormal heat of the day. You sighed. You were sure you stunk, that Matt could smell you and you didn't mind the idea of a swim so you told yourself you would be going to the beach.
You and Matt stayed silent and when it was time to go you both left without a word. And that killed you when all you wanted to do was scream at him that you loved him and that you wanted him to love you back.
You remember the day you ran out of the good stuff and you didn't have enough money for more drugs and the drug dealers said no....You wanted to die as they were the only thing keeping you sane. You had no way of getting a proper job. Who would want to give you a job anyway? You had wild eyes and was never dressed properly. You smelt of smoke and alcohol and you needed a decent shower....
You couldn't even remember the last time you went home.
You decided to one night. For a shower and a bed just to get over this massive down fall you had....from withdrawal. You saw your parents in the kitchen, bags under their eyes and their cheeks tears stained. But you didn't go in. You didn't say anything, just showered and slept. You left in the morning without so much as a goodbye and didn't even leave a note. You just hoped they didn't worry again. Why would they anyway?
You remember going down the street and being bored. Everyone else was busy with their boyfriend and you had no one else to see. You were thinking of ways to get a job when you decided to go to a bathroom and check the cracks for even a small joint. You didn't care. You needed something. When you got there you found the door locked. You got it open though with skill and inside was a guy jacking off. He looked like he needed help. You knew what to do.
When you dropped to your knees you scraped them on the cold floor. It brought back memories when you hurt them after riding your bike but you suppressed them as you took the man's cock into your mouth and sucked and probed for all you were worth. You worked magic on the length until he let his load go and you swallowed each drop...maybe he would pay well for that. And once down you look up at him through your lashes, your blue eyes piercing the man's full brown. You got given a 50. For your great work. And then he put an extra 5 in the back of your jeans.
You didn't move to stand up. Instead you stayed there, on your knees which hurt when you thought about it. But you didn't care. You had a job that payed well and you would be able to get the drugs you needed whenever you needed them. All you had to do was suck some cocks.
Cause you were a bad boy.
You would never get anywhere in life.
You remember the second last year of high school.
You were 17.
You were failing all your classes. You almost never went home and you never did your homework. Why should you? It was more of a hindrance then anything else. Nights passed with you in the bathrooms, on your knees, doing the one thing you were good at and getting money you needed, the print of the tiles etched onto your knees. You slept at the river under the stars and watched everyone else live their lives happily. You passed your parent's house every night to make sure that your parents were okay because even though you were a complete asshole you still loved them with all your heart. They seemed to be okay and the only reason you came back some nights was to just show them you were alive.
You remember them hassling you for answers, begging you over and over. But soon enough they gave up and kept to themselves when you were around. They made you a hot meal and coffee. They gave you a clean bed and a shower. Hoping you would stay with them one more night….maybe for the rest of the year. But you threw it back in their face and left in the early morning. Never leaving a note or saying goodbye.
They still tried every time though.
They never gave up hope.
You didn’t deserve their kindness after everything you had done to them but you still kept coming back. Still kept treating them like dirt and you knew eventually they would turn you away. Maybe forget you even existed. And even though this was all self-inflicted…. You were still alone and you still hated this but you never did anything to stop this from still happening.... And there was this longing always there...it was a pain in your chest that only alcohol and drugs could turn into a dull ache.
You longed to be with someone. Well…not just anyone.
You watched Matt from a distance every day, just wishing that he would love you. Lunch times with the gang were terrible because you remember Johnny attached to him all the time. Brian and Zacky were the same, if not worse. All of them tenderly stroking each other's cheeks, kissing each others lips...
And then there was you.
A social outcast just with them because you provided them with drugs and alcohol, sitting there and getting higher by the minute because being high…or drunk was much better than sitting there with your ‘friends’ but feeling so alone that you literally felt frozen. Feeling so alone that you were sure if you died right there they wouldn't even noticed, too caught up in their own moments to care.
And you could remember the feeling in your stomach. Watching Matt and Johnny exchanging sweet kisses and little nothings that ripped your already broke heart into more pieces then you ever thought was humanly possible. And it was there you felt truly lonely. It was there that you honestly felt like you meant nothing at all.
You tried to ignore them in the beginning, looking away and watching the sky instead. Trying to find patterns or familiar faces in the clouds. But it got harder and harder. So hard that you eventually didn’t go and sit with them at lunch. Instead you hid behind the dumpster in a little sheltered area which saved you from the elements and drank yourself silly. You remember turning up to maths after lunch so drunk you sat there and just stared at the wall like it was the most interesting thing in the world.
You were sure they had noticed a difference. By ‘they’ you meant your ‘friends’ but they never said or did anything to show that they were worried about you. But little did you know they were scared. For you.
Because despite the fact that he made it seem like he hated you, he didn’t. He loved you so much that watching you spiral closer and closer to death was killing him. He wanted so badly to do something. To say something. To find you and hold you and beg you to stop.
But he couldn't bring himself to do it. He was too scared. Little did he know him being a pussy was one of the reasons you were getting more and more out of control. You had no morals anymore...you had lost them a long time again. You wanted to be free but you wished you had gone about it another way. You wanted to be a big boy too young when all you wanted right now was to be the little boy singing songs. You wanted to be wanted by Matt.
All you wanted was to be loved.
You got so desperate you came up with a plan to make Johnny wish he wasn’t with Matt….maybe by stealing him…kissing him…making advances. You wanted him to feel so bad that he broke up with Matt and you could move in and save Matt. Be the shoulder he cried on.
But just the thought of it made you sick. Because even though you wanted Matt more than anything in the world, you didn’t want to hurt anymore people. And Johnny had been so sweet and kind to you. Had come to you for help…and you had thought of throwing it back in his face…. You knew that even though you wanted Matt and would do anything, you couldn't do that.
You remember the night that you were in the bathrooms down near the local pub. You made a lot money that night but what you didn't expect was to see someone you knew. Matt himself came into the bathroom just as a client left and in that moment you were so glad the bathroom was so dark you could barely see. You never wanted your friends to find out what you did, and to save yourself; you went into one of the cubicles, your heart in your throat as you waited for Matt to leave. He took his time and once he was gone you knew you didn't want to push your luck and you left. As you were leaving you saw Matt walking into the bar and you sighed. You were sick of this feeling.
You were sure all the other guys were in the bar too which made you wonder why you hadn't been invited....you shook it off however. Why should they invite you? You barely talked to them anymore. You walked back to the river, the salty taste of cum in your mouth, the smell of the bathroom in your nose and the feeling of the cold tiles on your knees following you as you went.
It didn’t go away. It stayed with you, everywhere you went. You washed in the river, trying to get rid of the smell, the feeling, and although technically it was gone, it wasn’t to you. You could still smell it; you could still feel it and you hated it so much.
Nothing was going your way and you grew further apart from your friends, they tried to get you back of course, they were worried for you but you were blind to the kindness and you kept pushing them away. You knew it was only a matter of time before they gave up on you and jut moved on. Tried to make another friend and forget you. Forget that you existed.
Sadly you wouldn’t be surprised.
School passed by, nights passed by and there wasn’t a time you didn’t wish that things were different, that you were in the arms of Matt, curled into his side as you slept soundly for the first time in years. And you watched him, holding onto Johnny, loving him how you wanted to be loved. You watched them get closer, you watched them become inseparable and it broke your heart more than you thought was possible. It was as if there was someone, reaching into your chest, gripping your heart so tightly that you couldn't breathe. Sometimes the ache would be so bad it would render you breathless, almost to a point where you were sure you could see black dots and stars. But the dull ache in your chest never left and it killed you so much. It hurt more than anything in the world because you deserved to have someone to love you right?
No…Cause you were a bad boy.
And you still fucking believed it.
And you did nothing to change anything. You kept to your bad habits and ways, you needed the drugs, the alcohol, because even though they didn’t worked well they still did their jobs as best as they could, and stopped the hurt for even a fraction of the second for which you were grateful for.
You remember hearing Matt talking to Johnny when you slipped by. ‘I love you’ he had whispered and it hurt you in the worst ways because you longed to hear those words directed at you. But you didn’t deserve love and lost most of that a long time ago.
You failed school. You were not surprised with the lack of participation you showed. You were surprised you even made it this far. You didn’t go to your end of year exams and instead stayed by the river getting high and drinking far too much alcohol. You didn’t graduate, but you knew there was no way in hell you were going back to that dump. You would find your own way around and would survive. You knew you would. You were already doing it. You started a while ago and you were surviving.
You lost contact with everyone and to you it seemed like they didn’t try to keep in contact. They did. Just when they called your house they never got you…always your mother saying you were god knows where which only made them worry more. But you didn’t know. Your mother didn’t tell you, hell she didn’t even know if you were alive at this point in time.
You missed Matt more then you ever thought you would. At least with school you ran the chance of seeing him from a distance. You were so alone and lost and you just wished that he was there to pick you up. But he wasn’t. He was too busy with Johnny and you knew there was no point anymore.
You continued working at night in the bathroom’s where you got the most business, a new one every night but you returned to some when you got a substantial amount of money in hopes you could make that again. Sometimes you did and other times you didn’t, but that was the whole point in the game…it kept you going. Just like the thought that one day you would get Matt and have him to yourself. Because even though you knew deep down it was impossible, there was a part of you that didn’t want to believe it, that had hope you would finally get the love that you thought you deserved.
You remember one cold night. It was raining and you were out. You didn’t want to go to the river, knowing the clay ground would be far too wet to sleep on. So you decided that the bench near a pub would be best. It was at least sheltered and you didn’t get wet. You had no idea what day it was, having lost all concepts of time but by the looks of it, it had to be something like a Friday or Saturday night. There were too many lights still on in town then there would be on a usual week day. You watched the lights, the way they sparkled and changed in the heavy downfall. You could hear the faint noise of club music and the heavy sound of rain slapping anything it hit. It was soothing to some degree but it also made you feel so alone.
You remember curling up and looking out into the distance, to where the pub door was. People were coming and going, mainly coming and you wished to be one of them. Maybe get smashed. Like that was going to happen. You kept your eyes there as you curled into a ball, doing anything to conserve some heat so you didn't freeze to death. And you remember seeing someone familiar. It took you a while to realise it was Matt. You were a far way away from each other. You remember seeing him look your way and you looked away then, not wanting to be caught out. You were sure he didn't know. But he did. He knew it was you and had seen you looking and he wanted to go over and take you in his arms and love you. You stayed in your place shivering to bring about some heat to your cold body and soon enough lost yourself in thought, the sound of the rain now your only soundtrack. That was until you were startled out of them by none other than the man himself.
He looked at you with his eyes wide. 'I thought I wouldn't see you again' he had whispered and you looked up at him with big wide eyes. He had thought that? You couldn't believe it. He had missed you? Had worried? Your heart was thudding so hard in your chest you were sure he heard and then before you knew it you were being carried to Matt's car in his big strong arms. Your body pressed and snuggled into him as best as you could in the short walk to his car. Then you were put in the front seat. Matt wrapped his jacket around you and then got in himself before he drove you to his house. Your heart sped up even more and you snuggled back into the seat, the smell of Matt embracing you. Just the thought of being in a car alone with Matt...Being at his house! You were more excited than should actually be allowed and you were not one bit embarrassed. You nearly died.
Of happiness of course.
You remember the crash of thunder just as you get into Matts house. The flash that illuminated the sky for a brief second was followed by another long rumble. No one knows this, but you are scared of storms. So scared that on the nights there were storms, well, they were the nights you went home. You and Matt are both soaked to the bone and you are shaking more from the fact that you were scared of the thunderstorm then the fact that you are cold. But really it was a mix of the two.
You remember Matt's strong arms as he picks you up and carried you inside. You are still shaking and are clutching to him. It's like you're a little kid again. You remember being set down gently on the ground. You remember Matt's soft voice. Oh that beautiful voice that sent shivers down your spine and cause your mind to become mush. 'You can stay with me for a while' are the words that come out of his mouth and they are music to your ears. And they sink in and find that one spot in your heart and before you know it your legs have crumpled beneath you and you are in tears. Tears you have been holding back for so long and you feel so vulnerable but it feels so good.
You can barely see through the torrent of tears that make their way down your cheeks like a waterfall that is finally running free after a good rain. You barely register Matt falling to the ground and pulling you in your arms. You barely understand what is going on. All you know is you haven't cried in so long and you need this bad. You find yourself wrapping your arms around Matt's neck as you sob. You hear his voice 'what wrong?' he whispers over and over again and you shake your head. You are unable to form words at all but you keep crying. The thunder cracking around you and a flash of light which fills the room before going again.
And then your lips are feverishly on yours because if you fuck up, why not do it completely? But Matt doesn't pull back. He is kissing you back. His hands cupping your cheeks and wiping away your tears and you are gripping onto him for dear life. Like he is the only thing keeping you to the earth and he is. He is your everything.
And your hands are roaming and now you are moaning his name against him, his lips between your teeth which brings a sharp gasp from him. And you are both rubbing against each other in all the right ways. Wanting so much more but both far too scared to make a move. And then Matt does. He is pulling you up to his chest tightly and is getting off the floor. Before you know it you are on the bed, the silky sheets billowing around you are Matt lets you fall. And he is gazing down at you with eyes filled with so much more then lust and it makes you squirm. It gets under your skin and it brings a blush to your cheeks. It makes you feel so special and you wonder for a fleeting moment what will happen if Johnny finds out. But that is gone as soon as you feel the weight of Matt on you and his lips against yours and you know in this moment you don't care.
It is just you and Matt.
And you are both getting into it. The kiss becomes the only important thing. More important than breathing and it seems that when you have to pull away for that moment to breath you rush it just to taste each other again. He tastes of cinnamon and of all things good. He is like the warmth you feel when the sun is on your back or when you are snuggled under a blanket. His body is practically crushing yours and you don't care one bit.
And then shirts are being ripped off and the feeling of his skin on yours is like heaven and you know you are going to hell for being with someone else's love and you know Matt is joining you for not stopping it. Your hands are roaming, learning every crevice and every valley and then pants are being strewn across the room in a way that reminds you of Christmas, when the paper is throw haphazardly around the room.
And then you are grinding against each other and the moans that are coming out of the both of you are deep and almost like growls. You are knotting your fingers in his hair and Matt is sucking on your neck, your weak spot. He is nibbling on your ear lobe and you are wrapping you legs around his waist, your hands on his back leaving small scratches on his back...marking him like he is marking you.
And you are panting and begging for more as he sucks on your nipple, his hands rubbing your slender hips and you are a writhing mess. And then his lips are on yours and the kiss is so feverish that the both of you are practically ripping at each other to bring the other with such force the bed is groaning under the both of you. And your cock is rock hard, leaking pre cum as you feel Matt's cock against your own and you are panting his name, begging for him to take you there because you know if he doesn't right now you will die.
And he does. But with such love it surprises you when just mere moments ago you were practically animals. He is holding you close and whispering sweet little nothings in your ear, kissing your skin as he carefully snaps his hips to meet yours. And he is stretching you in the best way. The pain, you can feel it in your gut and you are raising your hips, whimpering in pain and pleasure for more. And Matt obliges. He is gripping your hips gently, stroking the silky smooth skin as he pulls out and thrusts in again. He continues and you are moaning, you are a tangled mess of limbs, sweat covering the both of you in a soft sheen as the storm outside on rages on and for the first time you love the storm.
And you are looking up into Matt's eyes as he pulls back, he is panting your name and you are moaning his as he hits your prostate with such precision that it makes your toes curl. You are on cloud nine and your pants are getting heavier and more laboured as are Matts and he is speeding up with his thrusts. His cock is pulsing and you can practically feel it as you get closer to your release and then you do.
It's a weird feeling. A beautiful feeling. It is like the waves crashing against the rocks as a wind picks up out at sea. It is huge and wonderful and you want to feel it over and over again. You cry out his name and his is moaning out yours back. Your cock painting an erotic picture on both your stomachs as you float about the clouds. Matt is letting himself go with you and as you both roll your hips in a slowed rhythm to ride out your orgasms, you gaze into each other's eyes.
He strokes your cheek and kisses your lips softly and then he falls onto the bed after pulling out of you and you snuggle close, your limbs still a tangled mess, the silk sheets joining them as the both of you bask in the glow of the love you share. You are both panting softly and you are listening to the beating of his heart, your head pressed to his chest. His hands are running up and down your back slowly, lovingly and you want to cry again...but this time because you finally have the man you love in your arms. And you fall asleep to the soft pitter patter of the rain on the window.
You wake the next morning before Matt and you are still pressed to him. HIs chest is hot and you feel hot all over. You ache in just the right way and in all the right places. You got comfortable and marvel at the beauty of Matt and as you do your heart breaks. Because you know what happened shouldn't have. And Matt must feel the same way cause he wakes from his slumber with this pain flashing in his eyes and you know that he is regretting this just as much as you are.
Before he can speak you press a soft kiss to his lips and stroke his cheeks. Your eyes meet his I love you your eyes practically scream to Matt and then you are climbing out of the bed, grabbing your clothes and pulling them on. And you take one last look at the dejected Matt sitting up in the bed watching you, wanting to say so much but not finding the words to do so. And then you are gone. Out of the house and running back to the river more tears slipping down your cheeks. Because even though you had the love of your life for just a moment....
You didn't deserve it.
Because you were a bad boy.
It just took you enough time to fuck up two hearts to really understand and believe it.