A tears slides down your cheek as you stare into the abyss before you, no need to think…why should you? Thinking only hurts. You run your hand over your cheek for the twentieth? Hundredth time? To stop the tears that will never stop. And you know that. Deep down you know that nothing will ever fix this….nothing will ever fill the hole in your heart. Nothing will bring the spark back into your eyes like he did. Just a glance from him….his eyes shining with mischief could make this world a brighter place…no… Your eyes they are red…puffy….soulless….have been since the day he went. He isn't coming back…but you don't want to believe and maybe he will come back…or that is what you keep telling yourself…let's face it…it's impossible for him to come back. It is never going to happen. Your eyes stayed fixed on the blaze dancing in front of you…you don't know how the fire in the fireplace started…you don't remember anyone being in here…then again you never move or notice…someone could come in here with a gun and you wouldn't notice…you would welcome on the bullet that would fly at you…you would welcome it like it was an old friend.
Everyone is worried….or so you hear but it just goes through one ear and out the other…no one will ever understand the gaping hole in your chest…no one will ever understand the pain you get when you breath how it hurts to even think of living your life anymore…living without him….a life cut too short. Your other half. Familiar brown eyes meet yours but his words fall onto deaf ears.
"You have to eat Johnny"
"You have to get out of here"
"You need some fresh air Johnny"
"Want a cup of tea?"
They are stupid mundane things. Even the ones that are not just fall on your ears…you hear them…doesn't mean you are listening
"Come on this house is a mess"
"You need to shower"
"Let's go get some flowers"
You know what it all means…you just don't want to. You don't want to live cause that means you are moving on…it means you will find ways of getting by without him there…He told you, that you should move on…that you should live and enjoy life. But how could you? He took a piece of you when he left.
"Do you want to come and see him?"
Every time you hear that you get excited. You will see him…but then you die inside a little more. Why would you go? You know you will never ever see him again. And a grave stone does not count for seeing him. Standing there, talking to a rock and telling it how much you miss him doesn't matter. He already knows…he said he would look down on you and what he would see would be a man in despair…a man missing his other half.
"Johnny maybe you should see him"
"It might help"
No one ever uses his name…everyone is too scared you will lose it completely. But honestly, you already know you are too far gone. There is no going back…you just wish you could die too. Your friends want you to get better. They want you to smile…to be okay. But it never works. You are just there…sitting…watching the fire…or no fire…depends. You are force fed. You are dragged to bed; you are washed by your friends. You are vegetable really. But you can't help it. Your mind has made you this way….has frozen your body…but your mind is always there. They think you can't hear them…you can…sometimes you hear things you know you shouldn't….and it hurts.
"Maybe he needs to see a doctor?"
"Maybe we should get someone here to check him out?"
"What if he needs meds?"
You wish they would just leave well enough alone. They all come to you though, and try….getting you to talk. The green and chocolate eyes from your best friend Zacky and Brian respectively are always there, alarmed? Urgent looking? Sometimes filled with pity. They ask how you are…hope for a word…but you haven't talked in a while…there is no need too. Sometimes when they are close, you try to see your reflection in their eyes like you could when you were with him….see…even you refuse to use his name…Maybe it because then everything is more realistic…more real….or maybe you are just scared. You have nightmares about it all the time…What if you could have done something earlier? What if you had been there for him? It always the same thing in your mind…you blame yourself. Its all your fault. That is what you tell yourself. Everyone tells you differently…they know you to well…but you don't listen to that...cause you know it is. You were not there…he died alone.
Maybe he wanted to…but it doesn't matter. You wake up…when you do sleep, shaking…sweating. That is one of the only real human responses you have anymore. Sometimes you will be staring at the wall like usual…refusing to eat…and then all of a sudden your tears are wet…some days they are wet all day...sometimes you go a week without it. That is the other only human repose you have. When you friends see…well there is relief. Matt hugs you close even though you wish he didn't. You deserve the isolation. He wipes your tears. He helps you to bed. Zacky and Brian try to feed you to no avail…every day. Sometimes they get a small morsel into your mouth…sometimes you go without food for weeks. You don't see a point in eating. But they keep your fluids up. Sometimes you can tell when they are getting desperate…the drink is thicker than usual…you know then it is either purred or a supplement drink…you don't know though…you can't taste.
You know you are slowly becoming nothing…like you should be. When you get taken to the bathroom, when Matt strips you down and then gets in the shower with you, clothes and all and washes you down, you catch a glimpse in the mirror. Each time…its worse. Your bones stick out more, your eyes are more sunken in…and you are glad…you can see your pain…and you like that. You deserve it. Matt takes care of you like you were a child. He dries you off, he gets you into boxer shorts and he dries your hair with a towel. He tucks you into bed and then goes to shower himself. He never ever gets naked near you….none of them do…even when Brian or Zacky get you to the shower, they go in fully clothed. They don't want to push you over the edge you guess. But you are already gone…way gone. Sometimes they lay with you until you fall asleep, other times they give you space. You like it best when they leave you alone.
It goes on….it gets worse. The first year you get the worst on the anniversary. No one tells you…but you know it is. Because you feel your heart being ripped out…you feel like you are dying all over again…your body just knows it…and one day…you will die and you will be with him…where you belong. Until then…well you are just going to continue to be nothing, everyone cares for you. They try to…but then things get worse. You move…but only in the dead of night…and you find something to do…you cut. Big gashes. Matt woke up one night and saw you passed out on the floor. It was then he knew you were too far gone. Something had to be done. They took you to the hospital. You got stitches, were stuck there for a few days on a drip, you got better but as soon as you were home you continued to try. Everyone kept a close eye on you. But no one understands the pain. He was you everything.
You get worse; you continue to find some way to cut. The second year anniversary you nearly kill yourself. But Zacky got to you before you could finish carving into your arm. He screamed your name and for the first time ever you stopped and looked at him. He had dark circles under his eyes, tears slipping down his cheeks. He dropped beside you and pulled you in his arms, screaming for Brian to get the car running as he carried you out. You are admitted to hospital that day and then they keep you in for the night. The next morning Brian was standing at the end of the bed.
"Johnny this has to stop!" he yells, he is hysterical. You just watch.
"You nearly killed Zacky…he can't take this…none of us can!"
"Jimmy is never coming back! YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT AND MOVE ON!" he growled at you and then left the room shaking, tears pouring out his cheeks. He made it out the door and collapsed, his sobs filling the air.
That had been the first time anyone said his name in front of you…you cried….your whole body shook with sobs…no one came in to hold you…no one did like always….and you were glad…you deserved this…it was all your fault…everything was. Brian was taken away by Zacky and Matt. All three of them defeated. You were kept in hospital longer. No one came to see you….and even though the nurses watched you, you found some way to wreak havoc on your body. You pulled out your IV, you used the needle to cut. You were bed ridden however…you couldn't move your legs. The nurses did everything they could, but even they were giving up on you.
They didn't visit you and you didn't blame them. Some official people did. You ignored them. They tried to run tests but you wouldn't have a bar of it and continued to stare at the white wall you knew so well. You heard words but again they fell on deaf ears.
"He isn't mentally stable"
"Rehab is an option but he makes no sign of wanting to improve"
Even the officials were giving up on you before they gave you a chance. You just want to die…and maybe life would be easier for everyone if they just let you do so in peace…you just want to sit on the couch, in front of the fire and stare at it. Maybe it jumps out and burns the house to the ground or maybe your organs shut down, but you just want to be with him. You are released from the hospital with no one to help you. But soon enough Matt turns up. You never thought you would see him. He looks tired…he looks like he is over this and he had every right to be. He gets you home and puts you on the couch and leaves you there. You know they are all in the house. You can hear them whispering….you can hear them moving.
It goes on like this for another two weeks. No one helps you except Matt. Brian hates you….you know it and Zacky is on his side. At times you wished Matt was too. But he feeds you water. He tries to get solids in but it doesn't work so he lives on using puréed food. You don't get your strength back and the food is just merely enough to keep you alive. Soon enough Matt begins to wash you…take you to bed…care for you. You continue to wish he didn't. And you continue to have nightmares…to have tears slip down your cheeks. But you don't sob…you don't shake…you are becoming closer to a vegetable each day and you wonder how you are not already….it has been two nearly three years!
You are in the living room again…on the couch. And you are staring at the same spot on the wall…Matt comes in and sits on the floor in front of you but you ignore him…but then Zacky and Brian do the same…you haven't see Zacky and Brian in ages…it is a surprise and you know something is going to be said. You bite your lip…and they noticed…they know they have gotten through to you…it is the only physical sign that they have and Zacky sits up on his knees.
"Johnny…I want you to listen" he whispers
"You don't have to do anything but that" Matt interjects.
"We need you to know that we still love you" Zacky continues. Brian nods.
"We want you to get better….we miss you…the old Johnny…" he whispered tears in his eyes.
"We know Jimmy isn't coming back…but he wouldn't want to see you like this" Brian finally whispered.
"We just want you back" Matt finishes.
There is a long silence after that…a silence that can kill anyone's ears…it is so loud…and it is hurting you
"I just want Jimmy back"
Those words as the first words you have spoken for nearly three years…and once they are out you burst into a torrent of teas. Your whole body is shaking; your head is in your hands. You try to curl into a foetal position and you sob. Animalist sounds escape you. Three pairs of strong arms wrap around you, holding you close. They are surprised. They have never seen you react like this to his death. As soon as you were told...you became a statue…you never cried…you never did anything…and maybe this was what you needed.
"I just want Jimmy back"
It's your mantra as you sob, as you clutch onto your friends for dear life. This is a step in the right direction…everyone knows it. Matt, Zacky and Brian knew this had been their last chance before you were taken to a mental institute. They had to try….they got through to you. You are a blubbering mess the rest of the day. They take care of you…hold you. You clutch onto them for dear life and you refuse to let them go. That night they sleep with you. They cry with you…in relief…in sadness…they wish just as much as you that Jimmy hadn't left…that he was still here. But you all know you need to move on…you need to pick yourselves up and dust yourselves down…you know that maybe now you can try to…but it will still take time…
But it is a step in the right direction.
It's the third year anniversary. It has been a long two months. From the day you finally spoke until now you and your best friends have worked to get you well again…you have gained a bit of weight…you are not as boney. You speak a bit more and can walk. You do more things…but you refuse to sleep alone…you get scared at the prospect of even having to do that task alone. Someone has to be always with you, regardless of the activity and you refuse to see his grave or even speak his name. But you are getting better and that is the main thing. Your arms have healed now and you haven't cut once since the last time. You have massive scars though and they are more than likely permanent. But you don't mind…you are just glad to be on your feet.
You however are now in a wheel chair. You refuse you walk to the cemetery. This will be the first time you have been there. It is tiring to walk but you will do it when you get closer to his spot. Matt is wheeling you and Zacky and Brian are either side of you. Not only will this be your first timing seeing Jimmy, you are more than likely going to encounter his parents and you are scared. You are shaking as you get to your feet and Brian and Zacky stay beside you in case you need them. But you push on….you need to do this for Jimmy. You carry flowers, tears flowing down your cheeks as you reach his plaque. You collapse then, on your knees as you touch it, your whole body shaking. You put the flowers down and lean over to kiss his plaque. You wish he never left
"I love you"
People keep their distance from here whilst you are there. Jimmy's parents make sure.
"We want you back"
"I did something stupid"
"I am so sorry"
"I wish I was there"
"I will never forget you"
"I'll see you soon."
"I'll come back"
"I love you James"
You kiss the plaque again and shakily get to your feet. You wipe your eyes to stop the tears to no avail and then before you know it two pairs of arms wrap around you and you hug them back as tightly as you can considering you are weak.
You know this is the end of something big…but you also know that this will never end. You can't wait to see him again…to be in his arms…you miss him greatly…a huge chunk of you missing…but you know…that someday soon everyone will see him. They pull away and thank you for loving their Jimmy. You thank them for letting you love him and then you are back in the wheel chair being wheeled away.
It was a long process…you know it…but you have your friends…you have made huge progress since the first day. You haven't relapsed and you are getting better. You write a letter to Jimmy each day and see his grave once a week to talk to him. You see him alone now…you walk the whole way..just for Jimmy. Everyone keeps an eye on you but everyone is glad to have you home. You are now eating full solid meals. Everyone still sleeps with you though. Matt, Zacky and Brian have practically moved in now…they never leave and you are glad…you wouldn't be here without them…you wouldn't be standing where you were today. It has been many years since that day you learnt the truth…Very many years…you are now old….extremely old but that doesn't stop you from seeing your Jimmy. You know you will see him soon..in a few year…maybe more and then you can finally be home. Zacky, Brian and Matt are still looking out for you, but you are in a home now. Too old to take care for yourself properly after all that happened…you had to sell your house…you didn't want to but you had to.
You are now laying face down on his grave. People call an ambulance. Heart attack they say and rule out foul play. You died…right where you should have been…next to your Jimmy. Your friends cried at your funeral but they smiled too…they celebrated your life…they were just glad you lived that long. It had looked like you wouldn't for a long time…but you did…and they knew now you were with the love of your life…in the sky…looking over them. They made sure to get your burial plot right where it should be…beside Jimmy's.
"We miss you Jimmy..."
"We miss you Johnny…"
"Gone but never forgotten"