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January 5, 2013
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I scanned the room full of anxious, loud and somewhat solemn students and teachers alike, my eyes looking for his. It was a school assembly, first day back after the long summer break and I knew everyone would be there, including the man whom I was seeking out. I noticed the principal approaching the stands but I didn't care. I needed to find him. I kept looking, turning in my seat, my eyes darting around the room at high speeds.

The principal began speaking but I didn't take in one word she said. I was still too busy looking for his golden brown eyes, eyes I could look into forever and feel safe, eyes framed with thick long lashes that girls would kill for but didn't make him look like a girl at all, and that easy smile, his easy smile; the one that made me weak at the knees and for my heart to thump so hard I would think it was trying to jump out of my chest. However after looking hard through the principal's speech I still did not find him. I sighed ever so softly and finally was brought back to reality. I looked to my friend. Her face was almost twisted up like she was going to crumble any second...I was slightly confused as I saw tears in her eyes. She never cried. And the horror that was so prominent too was getting me even more worried.

"What is it?" I asked her in a hushed voice, having missed what the principal said I was guessing it was something she said; It wasn't my fault! Whenever I just thought of him I was in my own world...Jess shook her head. "Come on tell me!"

Jess took a deep shaky breath, opened her mouth, closed it, in a fashion that somewhat resembled a goldfish before she shook her head again. "…I…."

"Jess bloody hell! Just tell me? It can't be that bad!"

Jess bit her lip gently before opening her mouth to speak again,"...Lilly…he…he is dead" she choked, a tear that had been threatening to fall, rolled down her cheek.

I didn't need an elaboration on who 'he' was. I felt numb; hell I couldn't even tell if I was numb. I couldn't breathe either. My chest had tightened up so much I honestly felt like I had been punched 50 times by a fist as big as a boulder.

"No" I finally rasped as I shook my head.

Jess's lower lip now shook which was something I had never even seen happen in my life despite being friends with her for as long as I could remember. "I'm sorry" she whispered, her lips quivering more.

"NO!" I whispered...I couldn't believe it. "He couldn't have!" I shook my head again. I didn't want to believe it.

"Lilly..." Jess whispered reaching out to grab my hand.

"No! This wasn't how it was supposed to be! This is a sick joke! Don't lie to me Jess!" I nearly yelled as I pulled my hand away. I was, apart from the outburst, emotionless. People however, began looking at me.

"Lilly. He is dead, please…" she said firmly though tears were still falling, confirming my worst fear.

Tears now burned in my own eyes like acid and I could not speak anymore. I stared at the principal, not moving and when I saw the tears falling from her eyes, his colleague's eyes... Everyone in the room sniffling or staring in disbelief...I had to get out of there.

I got to my feet as fast as I could and I moved through the aisles with grace and speed I didn't even know I had. Peoples eyes all turned to me and I could feel them...their gazes burning through me as I got to the one got up to stop me. I pushed the door open with such force that it smashed against the wall and caused me to flinch but I didn't care much as I kept rushing....The air was cold...crisp as it hit my exposed skin and dark clouds hung over head as if in sorrow.

I picked up the pace and ran now, my feet hitting the pavement in an uneven rhythm. It was then that rain slowly trickled from the sky, hitting me and the world around me as I kept running. The rain however picked up and before I knew it, it was bucketing down and hard. Just like my tears which were finally falling now I was by myself. They flowed down my cheeks like waterfalls and as I wiped my eyes haphazardly I tripped and fell to the wet ground with a grunt. But even the sting on my skin from where it had just been grazed could be as bad as the physical pain I felt right now. I picked myself up without a thought and kept running.

Finally, when I was far enough from the hall and had no one following did I put my hand to my mouth as I stared out into the rain with chest felt even tighter then before and before I knew it I was sobbing uncontrollably, my whole body shook as each sobs escaped my lips. My bones rattled as my body was wracked with the sobs. I wrapped my arms around myself, anyway to stop myself from completely coming apart at the seams but it was a lost cause as I thought of him...or what we were and of everything we wanted to be...Rage blossomed in my heart like a red flower blooming and it was then I finally let my anger out...the rage boiled in my blood, under the surface of my skin...everywhere. A rage that I never even thought I had...

An animalistic growl came from within me. Pushed past my lips and rung in my ears. I wanted to punch something...kick something, do anything to get rid of the foreign feelings consuming me....My legs gave way and I was on my hands and knees. I curled my fingers in the mud beneath before I looked up at the sky and screamed "HE PROMISED ME!!" I prayed for something...anyone to listen before I gave up completely and clawed at the mud, pulling it to me and throwing it, my hair mattered and wet as I cried.

My heart was breaking into millions of tiny irretrievable pieces as reality hit me harder than a stack of bricks

I would never see him again.

Here is my first step into the direction of being known as a writer and not just know for my slash though I enjoy writing it :P

I decided here were a good place to post this as I got some god feedback from people. I started this story 3 years ago and gave up half way through chapter one but now I feel like I am a much better and more capable writer that I think I can do this. So here is the prologue. I don't have anything else written and I don't plan to update this very often as I still have other stuff to get done. But I would love some feedback on what you think of this.

And is morbid and contains sadness...would you expect any less from me? XD


:icondonotuseplz::iconmyartplz: :iconccwelcomedplz1::iconccwelcomedplz2:
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Plot-wise from this first chapter, it seems like you have a good idea going. There are a lot of questions that are raised for the reader after getting to the end of this chapter about Lilly and the boy that passed away: who was he, how did he die, where is this story going, etc.? All of them keep the reader interested and wanting to know more about the characters and what is going to happen to them now that this information has been delivered. However, there are some things that should be looked at in the actual execution of the story to keep your readers interested and want to go to the next chapter more than just the plot.

The first thing that really stood out to me when I started reading was sentence structure. There are a lot of run-on sentences throughout this opening chapter that I noticed and actually had to re-read a few times just to catch my breath and see what was going on. Some of them (like the description of the boy) were so long winded with detail that it's easy for the reader to get lost in them. Just take your time and slow down and separate them into some more sentences instead of cramming it all into one. Punctuation, like I mentioned, could really help with this. There were some places where punctuation wasn't used correctly, or more commas were placed than needed. Go back through and look carefully at how you punctuate. It may help eliminate some of these run-on sentences and make firmer, shorter ones.

Eliminating needless words can also be very helpful with the run-on sentences. I spotted a lot of them when I was reading through, and you can too by reading your work aloud. The ear helps pick up mistakes that the eye sometimes can't. Sometimes, just taking out a word here or there can be helpful in making a chapter flow smoother.

With dialogue, there were a few things, as well, that could be tidied up. Some of the dialogue between Lilly and Jess seemed forced or too "corny" (for lack of a better word). Try to find speech that seems more natural for people. Reading your work aloud to yourself can help again with this and allow you to see when speech is forced or when it sounds like something that you would say in a particular situation.

Also when it came to dialogue, there were some areas where you used all caps to stress emotion. There are other correct ways to do this. Capitalization in work is used usually primarily for company's or for abbreviations. When you want to stress emotion, do so through the use of italics on certain words and in dialogue tags.

I think the main point after all of those things would be to watch the balance between showing and telling. You have some areas where you show, but a lot of this chapter is telling. Really show the reader how Lilly is feeling, don't tell them. Get the reader to feel how Lilly feels. This could be a very emotional and hard hitting chapter, but in its current form, it's not reaching that point yet. Building up the "show" aspect and not the "tell" can really help the reader get engaged and feel what your characters feel. I think that's the main thing to work on with this once the smaller things are cleaned up.

I do have to applaud you on your pacing, though! You write at a speed and pacing that is enough to keep the reader interested. A lot of writers have trouble with pacing when they first start out, but you tackle it well! Like I had mentioned in the beginning, you definitely have a great start for a plot and it's most certainly something that is going to get your readers interested and want to keep going.

Overall, you did a good job developing this so far. Just some tweaking in execution and some editing and I think that you'll get this polished nicely and up to its full potential than the version now. Best of luck with your edits and keep writing!
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Nuclear000Rainbow Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
omg, this is absolutely amazing! i knew you were a great writer, but this is absolutely mind-blowing! Please keep on writing this story? ^^
girlpower12121 Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Awwwww thank you :D That means a lot <3333

I still have to edit and fix this up and I am honestly thinking I may re write this in 3rd person but yeah. Thank you all the same :D
Nuclear000Rainbow Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I believe it to be perfect the way it is.... but its your story so its your choose! :D:D:D
girlpower12121 Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
awwwww thank you <3 but yeah. I will see how it goes.
KhemyklShark Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Oh my gosh. ;-;
Poor Lilly
girlpower12121 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah I know. Saddness. This was my first story that Lilly actually appeared in apart from rps. XD
Hahah yeah nah duhhh its me! Jesus :P
Dunno when I will actually get to write more.... but ya know :P I do have bits from the older version. This prologue used to be like 400 words...its now like 1,000 XD
KhemyklShark Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Ahaha, fair enough. xD
Hibi rarely gets used outside of Rps to yes...
Your Hibacky is the 3rd story she's been in though. xD
girlpower12121 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah. It was a bit odd at first and I normally don't write in first person either so that is a challenge but meh. Its a good challenge.

Wooohooo! I swear the next part will be up...tomorrow for sure...god I am terrible.
KhemyklShark Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Take your time man
I still owe you a fic too. Bleh. x.x
girlpower12121 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I actually have it planned and I am looking forward to writing it XD I just wanted to get it out of the way.
Hahaha you take your time. You have all that art to do first
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