I scanned the room full of anxious, loud and somewhat solemn students and teachers alike, my eyes looking for his. It was a school assembly, first day back after the long summer break and I knew everyone would be there, including the man whom I was seeking out. I noticed the principal approaching the stands but I didn't care. I needed to find him. I kept looking, turning in my seat, my eyes darting around the room at high speeds.
The principal began speaking but I didn't take in one word she said. I was still too busy looking for his golden brown eyes, eyes I could look into forever and feel safe, eyes framed with thick long lashes that girls would kill for but didn't make him look like a girl at all, and that easy smile, his easy smile; the one that made me weak at the knees and for my heart to thump so hard I would think it was trying to jump out of my chest. However after looking hard through the principal's speech I still did not find him. I sighed ever so softly and finally was brought back to reality. I looked to my friend. Her face was almost twisted up like she was going to crumble any second...I was slightly confused as I saw tears in her eyes. She never cried. And the horror that was so prominent too was getting me even more worried.
"What is it?" I asked her in a hushed voice, having missed what the principal said I was guessing it was something she said; It wasn't my fault! Whenever I just thought of him I was in my own world...Jess shook her head. "Come on tell me!"
Jess took a deep shaky breath, opened her mouth, closed it, in a fashion that somewhat resembled a goldfish before she shook her head again. "…I…."
"Jess bloody hell! Just tell me? It can't be that bad!"
Jess bit her lip gently before opening her mouth to speak again,"...Lilly…he…he is dead" she choked, a tear that had been threatening to fall, rolled down her cheek.
I didn't need an elaboration on who 'he' was. I felt numb; hell I couldn't even tell if I was numb. I couldn't breathe either. My chest had tightened up so much I honestly felt like I had been punched 50 times by a fist as big as a boulder.
"No" I finally rasped as I shook my head.
Jess's lower lip now shook which was something I had never even seen happen in my life despite being friends with her for as long as I could remember. "I'm sorry" she whispered, her lips quivering more.
"NO!" I whispered...I couldn't believe it. "He couldn't have!" I shook my head again. I didn't want to believe it.
"Lilly..." Jess whispered reaching out to grab my hand.
"No! This wasn't how it was supposed to be! This is a sick joke! Don't lie to me Jess!" I nearly yelled as I pulled my hand away. I was, apart from the outburst, emotionless. People however, began looking at me.
"Lilly. He is dead, please…" she said firmly though tears were still falling, confirming my worst fear.
Tears now burned in my own eyes like acid and I could not speak anymore. I stared at the principal, not moving and when I saw the tears falling from her eyes, his colleague's eyes... Everyone in the room sniffling or staring in disbelief...I had to get out of there.
I got to my feet as fast as I could and I moved through the aisles with grace and speed I didn't even know I had. Peoples eyes all turned to me and I could feel them...their gazes burning through me as I got to the door....no one got up to stop me. I pushed the door open with such force that it smashed against the wall and caused me to flinch but I didn't care much as I kept rushing....The air was cold...crisp as it hit my exposed skin and dark clouds hung over head as if in sorrow.
I picked up the pace and ran now, my feet hitting the pavement in an uneven rhythm. It was then that rain slowly trickled from the sky, hitting me and the world around me as I kept running. The rain however picked up and before I knew it, it was bucketing down and hard. Just like my tears which were finally falling now I was by myself. They flowed down my cheeks like waterfalls and as I wiped my eyes haphazardly I tripped and fell to the wet ground with a grunt. But even the sting on my skin from where it had just been grazed could be as bad as the physical pain I felt right now. I picked myself up without a thought and kept running.
Finally, when I was far enough from the hall and had no one following did I put my hand to my mouth as I stared out into the rain with disbelieve...my chest felt even tighter then before and before I knew it I was sobbing uncontrollably, my whole body shook as each sobs escaped my lips. My bones rattled as my body was wracked with the sobs. I wrapped my arms around myself, anyway to stop myself from completely coming apart at the seams but it was a lost cause as I thought of him...or what we were and of everything we wanted to be...Rage blossomed in my heart like a red flower blooming and it was then I finally let my anger out...the rage boiled in my blood, under the surface of my skin...everywhere. A rage that I never even thought I had...
An animalistic growl came from within me. Pushed past my lips and rung in my ears. I wanted to punch something...kick something, do anything to get rid of the foreign feelings consuming me....My legs gave way and I was on my hands and knees. I curled my fingers in the mud beneath before I looked up at the sky and screamed "HE PROMISED ME!!" I prayed for something...anyone to listen before I gave up completely and clawed at the mud, pulling it to me and throwing it, my hair mattered and wet as I cried.
My heart was breaking into millions of tiny irretrievable pieces as reality hit me harder than a stack of bricks
I would never see him again.